starliterose's Blog

 I've always loved this song.... it's one of the only songs that makes me cry every single time I hear it. It was unreleased by the Counting Crows a long-ass time ago--it's one of my favorite songs by them, so it's a shame they never put it on an album. Anyway, it's a song that's dear to my heart, so I wanted to share it:

 A couple of days ago a little elderly lady made me smile. After I finished yelling at a man for being an ass and yelling at the sweet little 91 year old woman who he was supposed to be assisting (long story), she thanked me and then asked, "Aren't you chilly in that skirt?" I told her I was fine and she said, "Well I guess if I had those legs I'd be running around in my panties all day."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That lady is outta control! Sweet little thing, she then proceeded to call me "Legs" for the rest of the time I was dealing with her. I just remembered that today.... I was so fired up over the yelling and arguing with that guy, that I didn't have a time to fully enjoy her compliment.

Also, by the time I cooled down over the ordeal, I was busy smiling again for a very good reason thanks to somebody very awesome who made me feel like a buttered angel *giggles*

So I forgot about that nice lady, but I had to see her again today and she called me "legs" again, I love her!

 So my party last night was a blast! There was plenty of booze--everyone brought extra, so that was fantastic. Everyone had great costumes--my costume contest was a close call, but the winner (this douchey guy who dates my friend) was very cocky and braggish about winning..... until he found out what the "secret prize" was: Anal beads. He looked so horrified--hahahaha! Of course it would be a gag gift--what did he expect? A starbucks gift card? .......his girlfriend looked kind of excited about the gift though, so it might end up getting use after all......

  So anyway, the party was fabulous......

but one thing happened that really caught me off guard...  

really  

REALLY  

R E A L L Y  

caught me off guard.  

I'm busy bartending, chatting people up, watching the intense game of.... actually I dunno the name of that drinking game.....whatever.... but one of my friends approaches me with this really weird nervous, anxious, hushed tone and asks if she can speak to me on the side for a second. So we sat on the staircase--not really away from everybody, but the music was on so people could see us, but no one could hear us.  

That's when she just blurts out: " Me and (bf) have been wanting to have a threesome, and (bf) and I would like for you to be the other girl."  

Now mind you, I'm half drunk already, so I'm ALREADY confused BEFORE people start asking for threesomes. I didn't know what I was suppossed to say. I tried not to have the 'what-in-the-holy-shitty-fuck-are-you-asking-me' look on my face... I dunno what I said, I think I must have just stammered because I don't remember having a cohesive thought at that point, LOL... but then she continued:  

HER: "Actually, (bf) picked you as his first choice. It would just be the three of us."  

We were silent for a second. Um, hooray your bf wants to bone me--what an honor? I've been propositioned for threesomes before, but never by someone I've known for so long. I was trying to think clearly and think of how not to have things be awkward for the rest of forever. Buuuuut I was drunk, so you get what you get:   

ME: "So.... you mean like... sex?"   

Yeah I know I'm such a wordsmith lmao. I didn't know what to say. I've always known she's wanted a threesome (because she's greedy and she wants it all at once, lmao.) I had no idea she meant with a friend . Well, knowing her personality I guess she wouldn't want a stranger, but why dip into your pool of friends for a one nighter with you and your bf?   

HER: "It would just be us three--just you me and (bf)"  

I'm pretty damned sure I wasn't confused about that.... why did she think that was helping? Saying that was NOT helping damnit!   

HER: "I'm so sorry I didn't mean to spring this on you. We'd really like for you to consider it though. Please?"  

Note how little of this dialouge has been me speaking to her, lol..... and then I opened my big mouth.  

ME: "Oh, um.....well.... um..... I guess just give me some time to process what you just said OK?"  

She looked disappointed. I felt sad because I didn't want her to feel bad. I also felt like I had just done a shot of tequila right before I sat down, which I had.  

HER: "Okay, just think it over. He thinks you're gorgeous by the way--we both do, but you already know I do, duh."  

Yeah so I could tell she was nervous--then I felt like shit. They are actually really nice people, but that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with them. I told her that in a very long winded, rambling, but very delicate way. I also insisted that we not be awkward about it because I value her friendship too much to get weird over it. She said she understood and left the door open for:  

HER: "If you ever change your mind....."    

Thankfully we both went back to the party, drank together, danced together, laughed together and so far things have been back to normal (thank goodness!)  

 So today I’m on my way home from visiting my Mom and I’m trying to relax and enjoy the cool but sunny weather…. Pretending not to notice the guy ogling me on the ride over. I look at an advertisement for a while….. fuck he’s still looking at me isn’t he?

I take a peek… yep he is…. I look away quickly. I don’t want to give him false hope.

I mean, he’s cute and all, but all men seem to have this “If we make eye contact then that means she loves me!” thing, which leads to three possible reactions:

1)      He starts talking to me.

2)      He starts looking nervous and awkward.

3)      He stares harder, and thus becomes creepy.

All reactions are irrelevant since I am still on a dating hiatus. Quit it guy!

So, I do what I do every day and just ignore it and continue to look everywhere but at him….. until we get to his stop. As he is getting off, he comes over to me and says, “I’m sorry I was staring, but you are a Raven-Haired Fox.”

I must admit--That was fucking awesome.

Usually the “I’m sorry I was staring, but….” line is predictable, but that one actually made me smile--genuinely! I like that nickname….

Signed,

Rose the Raven-Haired Fox 

 I'm kind of excited :)

I bought some beautiful new short leather boots with a gorgeous stacked heel today--they were sexy and on sale damnit!

I love knee and thigh high boots, but the wonderful thing about short boots is they allow me to wear garter belts and thigh high stockings.......and that happens to be one of my favorite things to wear.

So in the spirit of sexiness, I bought a few new garter belts and some more thigh high stockings--of course. ;-P

......and as usual, I'm entertaining myself by trying on my new stuff with loud music playing.

......and for some reason I found myself drawn--nay--OBLIGATED to blog about it. So.... bam.

Okay, so I didn’t factor in this putrid weather when I planned to go boot shopping today. So…. now I’m writing.

Sigh…. I was really looking forward to the brand new “Click, click, click!” sound—music to my ears. Ah, what a waste of a weekend day.

At least I’m alone in the house again. I love my friends, but I also cherish my alone time. I used to go out to parties and clubs and group dinners what seemed like four grueling days a week. I got tired. Tired of spending money on not having that much fun. Tired of being exhausted after not having that much fun.

…and there is only SO much time you can spend with certain people, before you just want to kick them out of a moving car.

You know…. In every past relationship I’ve had, I’ve gotten to a point where I would wake up and watch -whichever bf it was- sleep…. And I’d fantasize about putting my back against the wall with my feet against his body, and shoving his ass right out of bed. Let him wake up hitting the floor. Now that should have been a sign, eh?

LOL that being said, I’m still on my dating hiatus—which makes it all the more ridiculous to be dragged out to parties in the middle of the night. I was damn near kidnapped last night! We only stayed an hour, but that was plenty of time for several smarmy, egotistical men to come and explain to me why they are fantastic mates. Yawn.

No hangover though… I just slept until the afternoon, lol.

….I was really looking forward to sexy boot shopping today!

Heh, boots are one of the only things I collect where people don’t react with, “Um, are you going to hit someone with that?”

Pfffft! Come on! …..of course I am. Hell, I’d hit people with my boots too, if I didn’t mind getting them dirty, lmao ;-P

 So… A man tried to bully me the other day. 1) That’s friggin’ sacrilege. 2) Me? bzzzz! wrong choice mister man.

Fine, so he’s like 6’4, solid muscle—definitely more than twice my weight. I dunno, maybe he was on steroids (?)—he looked like he spends more time in the gym than with any book—well congratulations to him for being a moron. *mild applause*

Anyway, I’m on line in a store and this ass-pad decides that he can leave his spot in line, CONTINUE SHOPPING, come back, and stand right in front of me, when I am now next in line. So I—politely—let him know where the end of the line is and he says, “yeah sweetie, I’m sure you’re used to guys doing whatever you want, but I’m not falling for it. I had to get out of line to get a few more things. I’m not going all the way to the back again because princess can’t wait a minute.”

Heh heh heh...

What did he just say to me?

I smiled. You know? I’m a generally even-tempered person. I tend to acknowledge my feelings and choose what the appropriate method of  ‘release’ would be for that. Plus, I mean, I do look pretty girly—can’t deny that. My daytime look doesn’t scream, “threat” lol. Yeah….

…and for those reasons it really freaks people out when I act belligerently—it’s certainly not something you get to see everyday. That just makes it so much better when I do—and let’s face it, there are moments where it’s just the best choice :)

So I smiled.... and chuckled…. and sighed…. and smiled again…. and then began: “Well… I think…. that you should get to the END OF THE F*CKING LINE. Go. GO!”

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! He went g*ddamnit. Everyone jumped and looked at me all wide eyed. Then a couple of girls whistled. Yay me!

The cashier thought it was awesome—I thought it was fun times.

I rarely get man-bullies. I had some in grade school I guess: I had a boy try to bully me in school once and I kicked him in the chest—and he stopped. My first fight was with a boy and I sent him home crying with a bloody nose—and his mother made him apologize to me. A kid in middle school tried to tease me once, and I dragged him down a flight of stairs… for a tiny little ‘princess’ I’m a LOT stronger than I seem.

BTW, **** that guy for calling me a princess. ‘Goddess’ is more accurate…. or ‘Mistress’ if I have my whip….

For just about the duration of my life, people have generally been consistent in telling me that I’m very “warm” and “easy to be around”. Of course, I won’t deny this—I treat people the way they would like to be treated, so long as they don’t upset me.

However I feel as though somehow most people take that first impression of me and fabricate this idealistic notion that I am some sort of ultra-bubbly, fairy princess… and that is so far from true it’s actually kind of disgusting. A few close friends have a better idea of my temperament, and I even manage to surprise them on occasion, lol.

First of all, yes I am very pleasant and polite to people and no it is not phony. However, there are two very important criteria that determine whether or not I will treat someone kindly and delicately—and only one of the two criteria need ever be met:

1)      I feel they deserve it.

2)      I am being paid to be nice (i.e. I’m at work so I don’t take things personally).

I usually will assume, until it is proven to the contrary, that a person that I have just met ‘deserves’ to be treated nicely.

Secondly, I can have a terribly dark sense of humor—but I know when it is better to leave my comments in my head, and I know when it is okay to just have fun. Although, admittedly, I have been known to say things just to piss people off. So what? If someone takes some of the things I say seriously, they deserve to be upset.

Next, I am in no way a pushover. I pick my battles, and I win them. I will often let things slide, and of course people tend to think that is a sign of fear. On the contrary, for me it’s usually because I just feel it’s not worth the effort. When I do decide enough is enough, however… I’ve never been the fussy, loud type—when provoked, I’m normally cold and focused. Ugh… and then people are always ‘surprised’ and ‘hurt’—wah, wah. What I think a lot of people don’t understand is that being kind and empathetic doesn’t mean that I am emotional—I’m not. I’m just not a very emotional person. That doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions, it just means I tend not to take too many things to heart and I usually have decent control over how I express my feelings.

Finally, I’m a girl-perv and a bit of a reverse chauvinist. I’ve spent most of my life with a majority of male friends—that’s what happens, you get a dirty sense of humor and learn to treat guys kind of how guys treat women, and then laugh evilly—heh heh heh! (oh come on, men love that, lol.) ;-P

So, in closing (lmao), yes I am fun and upbeat—but I’m not one-dimensional. Being feminine doesn’t mean you have to be predictable… and a little dark humor never hurt anyone—hmm, actually I should probably double-check that last statement… 

I really like the people in my circle. I was shocked to see how many funny, interesting, sweet people I have met on EP. I thoroughly enjoy reading their stories, blogs, questions, and answers. I love getting messages and whiteboard comments from them. The gestures and gifts always make me feel special.....

I guess I just wanted to take a minute to express my appreciation for my circle. You guys help the day pass by much faster--and you make lovely company for this little insomniac.....

{{BIG HUGS}}

Oh man! I've always known that I admire chivalry in a man, and today I saw something incredibly sexy.....

So I was on the subway today and I witness this guy, late 20's-early 30's, leap out of his seat to offer it to an elderly lady AND help her down into the seat. That was so sexy, I melted. I couldn't help but flash him a smile.

He ended up striking up a conversation with me, and we actually flirted a little. He seemed pretty nervous, but I was nice to him. I try not to be mean to guys if they aren’t creepy—I figure it’s got to be hard to make the first move. Whether I’m interested in a guy or not, I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.

So then it was my stop—and I flashed him a big smile, said goodbye, and hurried off of the train without giving him my number. It sucks, but I am still not ready to date again….

....but man oh man, that was incredibly hot. I like guys who I can really admire, and nothing is more admirable than a man who helps people in need.

I remember I was on a date with this guy a few years back—he was in the army—and it was after a big snowstorm had hit. We walked by two strangers trying to push a car out of a big pile of snow. My date turns to me and says, “I’m sorry I have to help them, I’ll be quick!” I just remember thinking how much sexier he had just become in my mind and how noble that was! It was our first date and it was freezing out and he hopped in the snow and they got the car out in a jiffy! One of the guys offered him money and he said, “No way, I just wanted to help.” I knew he was getting a kiss after that… well, he got a make-out actually, ha!  It’s just such an intense turn on for me….

In fact, I have broken up with people based on their lack of chivalry—it’s a symptom of a selfish mind. I’m sorry but I need a man that I can respect. I help people whenever I can. I may not be perfect, but I give up my seat to the elderly, disabled, pregnant, children, etc. I help people who look lost, drop things, or fall down. I was raised to lend a helping hand and it is a quality that I look for in friends and mates. I have found people who believe in helping others have tended to be more reliable and honest in my experience.

Plus, let’s be honest, there is just something EXTRA masculine about a man who helps those in need. It makes him seem stronger and more powerful—there's something about that cool, tough, you-need-this-more-than-I-do attitude. He doesn’t need a seat; he’s a real man! LOL! Gets me hot under the skirt….

I'm on a god awful dating hiatus. I hate it but it's necessary and I've been sticking to it pretty religiously for the past seven weeks. I figured after I moved back to the city, I'd focus on myself for a few months before I jump back into the dating world. I know I definitely needed a healthy break and some time to think about what I really want for myself--not just out of a partner, but out of life in general. I want to go to grad school, I want to change directions with my career path--I need to focus on things like that for a while.

Also, I really need to be more careful about who I date. At first I thought the problem may have been me being too focused on looks (I'm a visual person), so I tried being more relaxed and dating a guy who was very nice to me but I wasn't particularly attracted to. BIG MISTAKE. He ended up being the worst of them all! As soon as I agreed to date him exclusively, he became controlling, manipulative, and insecure. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. Never doing that again, LOL.

I had given him a chance because I wanted to see if my problem was that I was only picking guys for their looks, but I found out something even more interesting: I was specifically picking guys with emotional problems. I didn't need to give up what I wanted physically in a mate, I needed to find out why I kept going for the guys with emotional issues. What made me gravitate to difficult guys??

Now, I have always been a laid back, calm, peaceful person. I don't like to argue, hell, I avoid it at all costs. I hate nagging, I hate squabbling, etc, etc. I like to joke around, I don't take myself too seriously, and I just want to have fun. I grew up in a household with enough of that miserable crap and now that I'm an adult I just want peace and quiet--understandable?

So it was especially puzzling to me that out of all the guys I dated, I kept picking out the ones who were controlling, manipulative, and impossible to appease. Everything was always an issue, I got nagged to death, I was on the receiving end of every manipulation tactic in the BOOK. Ugh! It was hell over and over and over. So the problem had to be me--I was picking these guys, and I was staying with them too long. So I dumped the last one in January and went back to casual dating.

However, I wasn't happy anymore. I felt like the life was sucked out of me. I was going out with nice, cute successful guys who probably thought I hated them because I couldn't be as cheerful as I usually am while out on dates. So when I moved back to the city, I decided to just take a break altogether. It feels right--but my weekends are a lot more clear now--BOOO! LOL! That's okay, I need time for me right now. I want to get myself on track and really spend some time taking care of my own emotional needs. I miss dating. I have a very, very high libido, so that's the hardest part really. Beyond that, I've really gotten to understand what I need (and don't need) when I'm finally ready to put myself back out there.

:)

...but not a serious one, so I won't post it in "Confessions"

I am currently watching UFC on Spike, and I realized I am far more interested in the fights when at least one of the guys is hot..... and if both guys are hot? Forget about it, I'm hooked ;-)

Okay, it's not like I haven't always objectified men at least a little. Haha I'm a chauvinist, uh oh! Anyway, as one of my male friends once said of watching cheerleading: I enjoy the athleticism.

Actually I do! It's not fake and boring like WWE wrestling--it's real and testosterone-packed. The guys train so intensely, and they are all trained in so many different fighting styles--it's impressive. Ahem... but the truth is, if there weren't so many cute ones I probably wouldn't watch it as often.

Hey, I take great care of my body too, so I can look dang it! ;-)

The other day I saw a perfectly beautiful girl being harshly criticized by some guy she was with and I just wanted to pull her away from him and tell her to please have some self respect and go find  new guy. I don't blame her though. I've been starting to realize how important it is that parents build up self esteem in kids from the start, because even with that support, the world can really do a number on your self esteem! Not only do people need to learn to avoid harmful romantic relationships, but learn how to tune out people who just want to cut you down a peg to make themselves feel better.

I remember when I was growing up, I had lots of female friends.... right up until I hit puberty around 13. Physically, puberty hit me almost all at once--by 14 I was almost a D, by 17 I was a DD. I was thin and athletic and stopped wearing my signature frizzy ponytail as per my friend's request--it was like one of those cheesy teen movies where a tomboy is "miraculously" changed into a cute girl. I still thought I was a dork. I still felt like one, I still saw one in the mirror. Unfortunately, a lot of girls started turning competitive with each other over boys. Mentally, puberty hadn't really hit me yet. I was fascinated by sex and by my own body, but I didn't care much for dating and didn't want to sleep with any of the boys I did date (I actually waited until college). My friends were a different story, and it became hard to make new girl friends (or even keep the ones I had) because they were all so catty all of a sudden. I didn't want to compete, and I hated the mean things that people said about each other and me. I never participated in those kinds of mean spirited attacks, but still became a target. Girls can be very cruel in middle and high school!

It took years after highschool for me to look back at old pictures and realize I was a very pretty girl back then. I had worn huge bangs to try and hide. I had shied away from pictures most of the time. I was surprised at how beautiful I looked at a time when I was beating myself up so badly inside. It was as though I was looking at a completely separate person from myself in those old pics. It opened my eyes. I realized that even though I judge myself so harshly (and I still do)--it's not necessarily true. Somehow, that gave me the strength to know that no matter how bad I may ever feel about myself, I should never let anyone else cut me down. I already know and try my best to work through my self image issues, and I can't have people in my life who are going to add to those issues ever again.

Today I'm a lot better than I used to be but I still feel the after effects of my self esteem issues. After several unhealthy relationships with controlling, insecure and manipulative men; after obsessing over my body and wondering if I look big as a size friggin' two (lmao); after coming to the realzation that I personally do not judge people for their looks, size, or any of that (except for myself, who I judge all the time)---after all of that I'm learning to accept myself and love all of the positive things about me.

So after all of that crap (and that's only part of the story!) I get so sad seeing people being cut down and just taking it because they don't know how much they're worth. (Heck, even at my worst, I would never have put up with being insulted by a guy in public.) Parents have to equip their kids with confidence and prepare them for what people can be like in the real world, before they find out the hard way. If they already know what to expect, they can at least know what not to listen to.